Going blue

I was a level 10 asshole back in the days.

I found myself leaving an alma mater, off towards high school at Loyola Heights. I left my family house down South, far from my childhood memories and friends. Obviously, it wasn't that easy. I found a difficult time settling down in our new home, and there was a short time wherein the basics weren't accessible.

I think I had no true values when I entered high school. My parents, relative and school may have taught and instilled values and principles, but I had none that I had realized and lived on my own. All I brought with me was the claim that I was smart. Just that. If I had a boastful mouth, it was most likely zipped by my overwhelming natural shyness.

It holds true that I'm not the smartest person in all circles. When exam scores are announced on the first week, I would know. It goes for Ateneo and UP.

I lacked character when I was a high school freshman. I would openly brag about my status (being enrolled in) in a big school. I mocked my former classmates and thought that I was better than them in the fields where I was strong. I was telling myself and everyone that I made a great choice. Unfortunately, I cannot look back into history since my YM profile has long been deleted. I do not remember how I steered conversations and what reactions I made and received. That was a low point in my life.

My stay made me more humble, more human. I believed I did not carry the shameful attitude as I moved on to a new sophomore section. I realized on my own that I made a douche move. This was the account that I shared during my fourth year retreat, and I asked the Lord for forgiveness right after. Once again, I let my shyness overpower the just action to apologize for my wrong doings, personally or even by any means.

I remained humble, kept a low profile when I entered college. I knew for a fact that I barely got a strong hold inside UP. I carried personal values that I deemed important and essential for being a good person. If I had anything to say against someone, I'd double think If I should spill and let the person hear. So, i prefer keeping my mouth shut when the tides come by.

Simula, simula ng buhay ko sa UP

Taglish ON

Bata pa ako, madalas kami dumalaw ng pamilya ko sa UP. Bata pa ako, at hindi ko pa alam kung ano yung UP. Lagi ko lang naalala yung brick red bricks na lagi naming nadadaanan, at alam ko na yun ang likod ng Univ. Theater. Malapit kasi sa Dept. of Military Science and Tactics yung gusali. Siguro hindi ko rin naisip na parehong taga-UP ang aking mga magulang. Walang kamalay-malay akong umiikot sa DMST complex, kalaro ang mga anak ng kabarkada ng aking mga magulang. 

Kailan lang ako namulat sa katotohan, sa isang simpleng katotohan na may paaralan na kung tawagin ay UP, University of the Philippines. 

Noong bata pa ako, ang alam ko lang ng pwede ko pasukan sa kolehiyo ay Olivarez, Lyceum, Mapua, San Beda, Philippine Normal, at DLSU. Nakilala ko nalang ang Ateneo noong kumuha ako ng pagsusulit para makapasok sa mataas na paaralan.

Matapos lumipat sa QC, unting-unti ko na rin napansin ang pagiging malapit ng UP sa akin. Madalas ko daanan ang CP Garcia Ave, tanaw lagi ang isang gusali bago mapadpad sa Katipunan. Math Building. Natuto ako maglakbay mag-isa matapos ang isang taon sa AHS. May ginawa ako sa paaralan bandang summer at siyempre kailangan ko umuwi. Dinaanan at dadaanan ko ang UP.

Hinangad ko makapasok sa Ateneo, sunod ang UP sa kolehiyo. May nadama akong kilig at tuwa habang pinipirmahan ang UPCAT forms ko. Akala ko may mga makakasama ako kapag pumasa ako sa UP. Panalangin ko na makakasama ko mga kaklase ko, pilit na isinasantabi ang katotohanan na mahirap pumasok sa UP. Sinikapan kong laging nakikinig sa review classes ko, at muling isinantabi ang mababang marka ko sa mock UPCAT. Bagsak ata. 

Sa SOLAIR ako nagexam. Todo research kung saan, at paano makapupunta. Isa pang gusaling pumatak, NCPAG. Katabi ng SOLAIR ang NCPAG. 

Hindi ko matandaan ang mga naramdaman ko noon. Alam ko nahirapan ako matulog sa Biyernes o Sabado.

Maaga akong nagising, baon ang aking mga lapis, bote ng tubig at isang pack ng Oreo. Muntik na ako maging late, nakataxi na ako nun at mabagal ang usad ng trapiko. Nilakad ko mula checkpoint papuntang exam site. Basta ang alam ko, natiis kong hindi magbanyo pero di ko natapos yung (English) isang bahagi.

Nababagabag ako na hindi ko matandaan kailan ako nagUPCAT o kailan ko nalaman ang resulta. Ang mahalaga, pumasa ako ng UPCAT at sa Diliman. DPWS nga lang...

itutuloy.

If you don't see this

There's a point where I'll tell you that I chose to hit the books and the keyboard rather than the opposite sex.

If there's regret,  I don't think about it that much. When I look back from today, there was definitely time to meet and greet. I was happy with my high school days.

I met a girl during my review classes for UPCAT. Chance and my choice to pick an uninhabited row lead to us being seatmates. My SOP was to just reply to any conversation, from a guy, girl or the teacher in front. I focused well on the review and new lessons, while paying attention to let those small talks not slip by.

There was this torpe cycle:
- Here's a topic
- Think of a good opening
- Prepare initial response to her reply
- Do I speak now
- Now?
- Let it pass

The good thing about my behavior was that I didn't really avoid or turn down any opportunity. We spent lunch together, often talking during breaks and discussing in between topics. I got to know more about someone else and probably a little about me. Sometimes you go out of your way in order to be prepared. Have a jacket, have your pad paper nearby or bring something to share.

 During that review, I guess I learned not to be afraid. I got her number before the series ended. Either I asked or she gave it. Both are fine. It was a poker all-in situation whenever I wanted to initiate a conversation by text. "Press that SEND!" There's this big pressure that suddenly dissipates when you the message go. Another cycles takes place when you hear your message tone.
Of course there was a point that I liked her, but never dwelt too much on that. So the story ends quick.

We still get to have those hi-hello talks, we still get greet each other during birth anniversaries and send congratulations when it was appropriate. If there's regret, this isn't the story about it. One day, you just hope that you meet again.